Monday, November 12, 2007

Scariest Survey EVER

Would you rather...
1.) Be able to comsume fatty foods without gaining weight OR be able to have unprotected sex without getting sexual diseases? Are you kidding me? Bacon wrapped cake, beeyotch. Not really, that would be gross. But you get my meaning.
2.) Be able to communicate with animals, but only the nerds OR be able to read people's minds but only when they are thinking about aluminum siding topics and issues? Animals. I don’t get this nerdy animal thing. But talking to animals would be great unless I realized my pets think I’m an asshole.
3.) Have a knack for model train set-ups but have an irresistible urge to punch people named Mildred in the breast and thighs OR be able to make anything shiny but be unable to refrain from making the tug boat gesture and sound any time an overweight person enters a room? Number one, since I don’t know anyone named Mildred, and if I did, they might deserve it.
4.) During sex, be able to read the mind of the person you are having sex with OR be able to hit you or your partner's G-spot by finding Waldo in a Where's Waldo book? (each page used only once)Reading the mind would be more useful, because then I could tell if I was getting anywhere near the g spot as well as anything else. But there would need to be a filter so I didn’t hear “Damn, is her ass getting bigger?”
5.)Every hour on the hour, change which gender you are attracted to OR turn your sexual partner into Tony Danza when you climax, and then turn them back to themselves the next time you have sex with them?The first one does not bother me at all, the second makes me want to be ill.
6.)Have your mom have to put on your condom like she was dressing you as a child OR never be able to call your spouse by the same name twice?Mom+condom=never happening for any reason ever.
7.)Have to use condoms that come in a wrapper where you have to finish the crossword puzzle before it can be opened OR be unable to shake the image of Meadowlark Lemon during all sexual congress? The puzzle would be part of the fun!
8.) Never be able to experience orgasm OR perpetually experience orgasm? This is a dumb question. But obviously the second. I’d just need to learn to work around it, so to speak.
9.) Attract swarms of fireflies when aroused OR have the sound of microphone feedback intermittently emanating from your crotch? Feedback from my crotch would be hilarious.
10.) Your penis/breasts increase in size by 10 percent each year OR decrease in size by 2 percent each year? I wouldn’t be able to stand upright by the time I was 30, so option B.11.) Vicariously experience all orgasms that occur in your zip code OR during sex, have the Microsoft paper clip help icon appear with sex tips?MS Help blows. Option B.
12.) Have Bettie Davis eyes OR Charles Manson eyes? Why in god’s name would I want Charles Manson eyes? A. DUH.
13.) Be able to simulate the voice of anybody you meet OR simulate the hair?I could make serious bank by simulating voices. I’ll take it.
14.) Be able to achieve orgasm at will OR be able to make anyone other than yourself achieve orgasm at your will? Others, how cool would that be? "Ding! You can thank me later." This was the last person’s answer, but I couldn’t change it. Perfect.
15.) Have taste buds all over your body OR have a malleable stress-ball head? Stress ball head. I don’t want to know what certain things taste like, such as my feet.
16.)Have an ever-changing tattoo that takes the form of whatever image you will it be OR be able to psychically see anybody's internet browser history when looking at them? That’s retarded. Changing tattoo would be much better.
17.) Have Gatorade saliva OR be able to murmur fluently in twelve languages? Gatorade saliva would be disgusting. The language thing would be bad-ass.
18.) Be able to insist on paying for the check but never actually get stuck with it OR know exactly what the person on the other end of the phone looks like simply by hearing their voice? The first one. :)
19.) Slide naked down a fire man's pole covered with tacks into a pool of scotch OR cheese-grate the skin off your left forearm? The second, but I’m weeping for either.
20.) Chew a used condom as gum for an hour OR have all your pubic hairs become ingrown? GAH!!! B, but please kill me.
21.) Sleep a night on a bed of peanut butter OR next to a humidifier full of urine? Peanut butter. What sick bastard wrote this survey.
22.) Have invisible skin OR see in strobe light? See in strobe light. Then I could just gouge my eyes out.
23.) Have an intense urge to whisper sweet nothings into the ears of bus drivers as you pay your fare OR have parents who affectionately refer to you as "anal cakes"? The first would be funny, especially if I could carry mace if needed.
24.) Have permanent Cheetoh residue on your fingertips OR appear as Shemp of the three stooges in all photographs? Cheetoh residue, as long as it didn’t get on my clothes or others.
25.) Have commercial interruptions during masturbation fantasies OR have to masturbate with the mandatory use of a Sesame Street's Elmo hand puppet? It would be A, because I refuse to violate my childhood.

Would your rather your only porn be......
1.) 6 second clips of hot people OR 2 minute clips of moderately attractive people? 2 minutes. I can’t get anything done in 6 seconds.
2.) Verbose, subtle erotic fiction OR pornographic Magic Eye 3D pictures? The first one. (Am I really going to post this in my blog?!)
3.) Animal Nature documentaries OR suggestive cloud formations? Cloud formations are much more fun.
4.) Geometric shapes OR family reunion pictures? SHAPES. No family EVER.

Would you rather live in a world....
1.) Where women were given equal pay, opportunity, and access to jobs OR where men experience the pains of the birth process along with women? Damn, I want both. Except then the species would die out. Let’s say A.
2.) Where there was a rapper-like East Coast/West Coast feud of mimes OR where the pledge of allegiance was changed to the lyrics to "Eye of the Tiger"? Hee, bring on the warring mimes.
3.) Where Teletubbies were a common species of creature that lived in the wild OR where there were evil, bizzaro arch-enemy versions of ourselves? Teletubbies. I know too many people whose archenemies would scare me.
4.) Where the convention of singing "Happy Birthday" was replaced with "You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet" by Bachman Turner Overdrive OR where congressional debate was settled by dodgeball contests? Dodgeball! Whoo!
5.) Without skin moisturizer OR without cream cheese? Cream cheese. I’d miss cheesecake, but there would still be cake and pie.

(Guys) Would you rather have sex with....
1.) Hillary Clinton OR Natalie from Facts of Life? (This doesn’t apply to me, but Natalie. At least she was my age-ish.)
2.) Jessica Rabbit OR Daphne from Scooby Doo? (Duh, Jessica Rabbit.)
3.) Venus Williams OR Sheryl Crow if she spoke in the voice of an old Jewish man? (Sheryl Crow, I’d tape her mouth shut.)

Ladies...Would you rather have sex with...
1.) Bryant Gumble OR Weird Al Yankovic? Bryant Gumble. I’d feel like I was violating Al.
2.) Alex Trebec OR Larry David? Larry David, he’s funny and no smug moustache.
3.) Johnny Depp without a leg OR Tom Selleck without a moustache? Hey, if Johnny’s only missing a leg, I don’t see where there’s a problem. However, I would not throw the Selleck out of bed.

Immoral Dilemmas
1.) You are walking down the street and see an open briefcase with $1,000 in it. Across the street there is a police station. Do you spend it on whores or crack? Whores, I don’t have any need for crack. But really I’d buy an iPod and pay my bills.
2.) You're driving at night and hit a dog. No one witnesses you hitting the dog. Do you bake or broil it? CRY.
3.) You're waiting at a red light at 4 am. There isn't a car in sight. No one would see if you ran the light. Do you masturbate with your left or right hand? Wha?! Wait ‘til I got home, Mr. Icky Survey!

I’ve officially squicked myself out with this survey, but I’m posting it anyway.

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