Monday, June 23, 2008

a cheer

Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat!
69 linemen tied in a knot!
Hurray, lizard shit, FUCK!

Hey, George, here's hoping God recites the seven words with you. Happy trails, and may Buddy Christ greet you at the gates.

Also, universe? Maybe enough with the taking of awesome people who should have had more time. Between Ledger, Carlin and Russert, you should be occupied for a while.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

holy shitballs

Pardon my French.

Here is the transcript for a commercial I happened to stumble on while fastforwarding through a DVRd episode of Intervention.

Picture two ships: the Santa Maria fading into a cruise ship, after a black screen that says "We've conquered the seas." Next: "We've conquered the skies" followed by a Wright brother's plain and a standard passenger plane. "We've conquered the heavens," followed by a shuttle launch and a space walk. Finally, "But how can we conquer our own self doubts?" Shown: a busy street. "Find out." Super cheesy volcano explosion CG that looks like it had a public access channel budget. ""

I just... i think I need an intervention now.

Hip Hip Huzzah!

I heard a story on my way back from lunch on NPR about the first gay and lesbian couples getting married in California, prompting me to draft the following short notes:

Dear Gay and Lesbian Couples,

Mazel Tov! Many happy returns of today's joy.


Dear California,

Right on. Keep 'em coming!


Dear Damn Near Rest of the U.S.,

Seriously, get with it. It's 2008. All people deserve equal rights

No Love,

Wednesday, June 11, 2008


So, I know I'm pretty much the worst Catholic ever, but old habits die hard, and because I don't think any amount of prayer or good vibes can hurt, I'm putting the following prayer out to the universe, and if you want to add it to your list if you see this, I would most definitely appreciate it. Here goes nothing!

Dear God, Blessed Mother, St. Gerard and St. Anne, the Universe,
Please care for my twin sister during her pregnancy. Please take care of the little baby she's having and let everything go smoothly. Please let my sister be healthy and bring a healthy baby into the world. Amen!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

feelin' hot, hot, hot

It is currently 80 degrees in my apartment. My window air conditioner is not working. In an attempt to thwart this problem and not have to go spend the night away from my pets, I have come up with the following ghetto ways to stay cool:

I bought four packs of sliced watermelons and a bag of grapes at the grocery store. Nature's air conditioner!

I basically chugged 44 ounces of Icee. Gas station's air conditioner!

I bought a bag of ice, which I keep emptying portions of into a bowl and placing in front of my fan. Ghetto air conditioner!

I'm watching Knocked Up, which is hilarious.

Lemonade out of lemons I guess. Other apartments in my complex are flooded, so I guess I can't complain. Oh wait, it's 80 degrees in my apartment! I still can.