Monday, June 25, 2007

My Super Sweet go F' Yourself

Every single person who has been on "My Super Sweet Sixteen" should be put on an island and forced to Lord of the Flies each other. Seriously. I have never seen a single child on that show who could behave like a human being. This girl freaks out and sobs and pitches a tantrum the size of Alaska because her mom gives her a brand new Lexus at school on her birthday rather than at her party. "You fucking ruined everything!" she cries. Seriously, what the hell kind of entitled bitch acts like that? And what kind of parent allows it? Fine, you get to be on TV or whatever, but now the entire viewing audience of MTV knows that

  • if you're the girl, you're a giant, pissy, bitchy twat
  • if you're the parent, you're spineless and your kid owns your ass.

And how the fuck do you not know that? You know MTV cuts this show to make you look like the biggest asshole possible. Why play into it? Why not be sweet and normal and fuck with them instead? If I had at any point in my life acted for a moment like one of these kids, my parents would have slapped the ever loving shit out of me, and rightfully so. Jesus. This is the kind of stuff that makes me hate everyone.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Dramatic Look

I don't know why this is the funniest thing on the internet ever, but it kind of is. I had to post it in case you haven't seen it yet.

Actually, I ammend that: Will Ferrell's "The Landlord" is the funniest thing on the internet ever, but this is really, really close.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Venting Keeps Head from Exploding

Letters are turning out to be some of my favorite ways to vent/update. Away we go!

Dear Wendy’s,

So, I needed to go get my tire patched at lunch, and I figured I would swing on in to your lovely establishment on the way back to work and grab a bite. Nothing complicated, just a couple of cheeseburgers and a small fry. I was handed my bag quickly and it felt about the right heft, and I was preoccupied with getting back to work and talking to my dad on the phone (I know, I know, don’t cell and drive; don’t you judge me, Wendy’s). So imagine my dismay when I got back to my desk at work and found not the food I ordered but two boxes of chicken nuggets.

Now, I hear your chicken nuggets are lovely. But I don’t like chicken nuggets. Not even with the ranch sauce you so thoughtfully provided. Which is why I ordered cheeseburgers. Which is why I drove back to Wendy’s to obtain said cheeseburgers. I’m sorry I disappointed and inconvenienced you by returning for my food; perhaps I should have just taken what I was given and been grateful. But I did pay $3.21 for my lunch, and I wanted what I wanted. And you cost me 30 minutes of my life I can’t get back, and some gas. Uncool.

I’m calling later to demand free shit, FYI.

Get an IQ,

Dear pResident Bush,

Wow, we have a lot to talk about today, don’t we?

First of all, why did you show up in my dreams last night? Second of all, please don’t ever do that again. I dreamed that you were driving me to my car in a ridiculously large Walmart parking lot, and we were even having a fairly genial chat. I informed you that I was a bleeding heart liberal, and you didn’t throw me under the wheels of your SUV, which was nice of you. But please, my psyche is fragile enough without someone I generally don’t care for or respect who is not a serial killer showing up in my dreams. So you stay out of mine and I’ll stay out of yours, okay?

My next bone is to just let you know that vetoing the stem cell legislation is a shitty thing to do. I watched my grandmother die of ALS, sir, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In case you aren’t familiar with it, it’s fucking evil. Basically, it shuts people down from bottom to top, encasing a sharp mind in a body that eventually can’t even swallow. Stem cell research is one of the few tools in the arsenal that stands a real chance of fighting ALS. And it’s not the only one: Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson’s Disease, cancer, there are so many applications it’s mind boggling. The embryos being used for this research are not gathered specifically for this purpose; they are the leftovers from in vitro fertilization, generally speaking. If they’re not used for stem cell research, they are literally thrown in the trash. Now, I ask you, sir, which seems to be more respectful of the potential of life: allowing that potential to be realized in some fashion, or tossing it with your empty Diet Coke? Furthermore, I have to wonder if you have never seen someone that you love dearly suffering from a disease that stem cell research might benefit. Even if you haven’t, I guarantee, someone else that you love has. Your moral opposition to this makes zero sense to me.

And finally, regarding your remarks last night at the Congressional Picnic:

THE PRESIDENT: Beats Workin, thanks for coming. (Applause.) Kermit, come up here. Kermit, we're proud to have you.
MR. RUFFINS: Well, thanks for having us.
THE PRESIDENT: Kermit Ruffins and the Barbeque Swingers, right out of New Orleans, Louisiana. (Applause.)
MR. RUFFINS: Thank you. Thanks for having us. We're glad to be here.
THE PRESIDENT: Proud you're here. Thanks for coming. You all enjoy yourself. Make sure you pick up all the trash after it's over. (Laughter.)
God bless you, and may God bless America. Thanks for coming. (Applause.)
…what? Seriously, what the hell? Is there any way that what you said is not racist, disgusting, ignorant, stupid? Because if there is, please show me, as I am genuinely confused by it. Come on, you’re the most visible representative for our entire country. Use your brain cells. Or at least let your speechwriters tell you what to do.

I understand you’re busy driving the country to hell in a handcart, I was just wanting to mention these things.

God Bless America, I didn’t Vote for You,

Monday, June 18, 2007

Oh Dear

Hurray! It's time for more letters that won't get read!

Dear Person Who Left a Note on My Car Last Friday,

You left the following message on my car window last Friday, in the parking garage at work:
"Shame on you! For taking up more than one space!!! You have been reported to Parking Service!"

I sincerely apologize for parking slightly to the right of the line. I didn't notice it that morning because I was running late to work, and the person parked next to me was about two inches from the line on his side, so I had to compensate a little to, you know, not hit the fuck out of our cars. But really. This is how pissed you get about someone parking slightly over the line in a parking garage that is not even moderately full at the time? This stirs your moral outrage? This causes you to SHAME ON ME? Wow. You really don't have a lot else to get pissed about, do you? Because if you watched the news or read the paper and saw that people kill other innocent people and kick puppies and cheat poor people, et cetera? You would lose your fucking mind. But really, thank you for pointing out to me what a horrible, immoral person I am. When my illustrious career as a serial killer begins, I will blame you. (And given our justice system sometimes, I'll probably get off!)

Take a Valium, Bitch,

Dear Kristy Swanson,

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Did you really need to go all Tonya Harding on your lovechild's dad's ex-wife? In Canada? Well, if you didn't, thanks, because it's still kind of awesome.

See above re: Valium,

Dear Screech,

Fuck off some more. The Celebrity Fit Club people this season seemed nice, but you're a giant doucherag, and I hope someone shits on your head. I'm not talking about you ever again.

So go away,

Dear Humidity,



Dear Wario Ware, Inc,

Jon lent you to me over the weekend, and I have to say, I think you're going to be trouble. Ridiculously short games tend to hold my ADDed attention span just fine. Last night, I spent 25 minutes "five more minutes"-ing you while I should have been falling asleep. Consequently, I tossed and turned for an hour waiting for my brain to shut down. However, I don't think I'm ever giving you back to Jon.

With love,

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Letters whilst babysitting

Alex has already gone to bed, and I'm watching TV. It has prompted me to write the following letters:

Dear Daily Show with Jon Stewart:

The Shaw-skank Redemption? Fucking awesome. God bless you.

The Shmaily Shmoe with Shmon Shmewart

Dear Paris,

Suck it. Giant temper tantrums shouldn't get you out of jail, so fucking cope with it, douchebag.


Dear Screech,

Yeah, I'm not calling you Dustin Diamond. You'd have to earn that, since you seem to hate the entire reason anyone knows who the fuck you are anyway. I'm not proud that I watch Celebrity Fit Club, but I'm just waiting for people to kill you. Marcia Brady and Kimberly Locke may not fuck you up (although I wouldn't put it past them), but Brat, Cledus and Warren Fucking G might, so step lightly. I know the show's already over, but I hope Harvey finds you and eats your brains, if you have any. You're hilarious in your transparency and desperation to cling to famousness in any way. You're a dumb bastard, please go away, I hate you.

Overcompensating asshole.
Not Impressed

Friday, June 8, 2007

In lieu of Actual Content

A Survey:

What time do you get up in the mornings?
During the week, anywhere between 6:30 and 7. On the weekends, whenever I feel not tired enough to get up.

First thoughts waking Up?
Crap, what am I going to wear?

Do you shower Daily?
Usually, but not if I oversleep.

Do you believe in Life on other planets?
I’m not arrogant enough not to.

How do you take your coffee?
Very sweet and with lots of milk.

Do you eat breakfast?
Yep, or else I’m starving by nine.

Do you prefer sleeping alone?
That depends on how tired I am and how hot it is.

Do you smoke cigarettes?

Have you ever burnt your hair?
I think bending over a candle or something.

Do you sleep with a pillow?
At least 2.

What were your habits as a child?
I had some significant OCD. I still like to eat fast food in a highly methodical manner: French fries first, then cheeseburger, but separated. Bottom bun, then top bun, then pickles, trim the excess cheese from the burger, eat the burger, eat the extra cheese. I’m weird.

Do you want kids?
I have no idea. Maybe someday.

Are you an only child?Nope, never. Not even in utero.

Do you like road trips?
Yeah, they can be totally fun.

Who are your 6 best friends?
Mary, Melissa, Becca, Ellen, Kara and Leila

Do you brush your teeth in the shower?
I never have, but there’s always a first time.

Do you eat leftovers?
Yep, if it’s food I like.

Do you prefer being single, or in a relationship?
Actually, I think both have their merits. Being single afforded me a lot of great friendships and more time to read and veg out, etc.

Are you in a relationship now?
It would appear that way, yes.

Have you ever cheated?

Have you ever been cheated on?
Yes, and to my face. What a fucker.

Once a cheater, always a cheater?
I don’t believe in absolutes.

Pajamas or naked?
Invisible jammies can be quite comfortable. But I go both ways.

What do you take when you have a headache?
Ibuprofen if it gets pretty nasty.

Roughing it or luxury hotel?
Probably luxury hotel, because I don’t like bugs or being really hot. But nature is beautiful!

Beach or pool?
I haven’t really had experienced the beach, but I’m sure both can be fun.

Would you give your number out to a stranger?
That depends: Do I think this person is going to turn out to be super-skeevy? And what is the relative hotness in relation to that?

Ever hitchhiked?
I’m too afraid of being molested/killed/Unsolved Mystery-d.

Ever picked up a hitchhiker?
See above.

Roses or daisies?
I’m not a flower racist.

Do you consider yourself conceited?
I try not to be, but I’m sure I have moments.

Is your hair its original color ?
At the roots.

Do you wear makeup?
When I feel like it.

Do you eat ranch with your pizza?
No, and that oddly doesn’t sound good to me, though I love ranch.

Do you believe in God?

Do you have a crush on anybody right now?

Does he/she know it ?
At least one of them does. The celebrity ones not so much.

What food could you absolutely never give up?
Mashed potatoes.

Who's your favorite cartoon?Invader Zim!

What TV. shows do you watch?Scrubs, the Office, My Name is Earl, Project Runway, Top Chef, Mythbusters, The West Wing, Ghost Hunters, lots of other stuff.

Do you think you're attractive?
Most days.

Are you allergic to anything?

Ever had your heart broken?

Who was the last person to hurt you?
Probably me, to be honest.

Who was the last person you hurt?
Again, likely me.

Do you wear socks to bed?
Bleh, no.

How do you feel about breast implants?
Well, I don’t need them for fuck’s sake.

What kind of shampoo do you use?
This giant bottle of stuff I bought on sale at one of these hair places. I don’t remember the name.

Have you ever been in love?
Yes, I have been.

Do you think love is real for young people?
I think it can be.

Have you ever loved somebody who didn't love you?
Yes, several people.

Black or white?Black, it’s harder to stain and ruin.

Say your opinion, or keep it to yourself?
Generally I have verbal incontinence, so there you go.

The snow or the sun?
Snow, just because I hate being hot.

Favt. Song at the Moment?
Hey There, Delilah, by the Plain White Tees.

Favt. Band?
Barenaked Ladies all the way.

Favt. CD?
Lost and Gone Forever is frickin’ awesome, but so as not to copycat, I can also say that I adore Everything to Everyone beginning to end. Basically all of Guster and BNL are awesome.

Last Movie you Watched?
Knocked Up. Hilarious!

Last song you sang?
“Wasted” by Carrie Underwood.

Do you like to dress up?
It can be fun occasionally.

How long does it take you to get ready after you get out of bed?
If I’m in a hurry, 2 minutes. If I’m not, 30 minutes.

Describe your type of dude/girl ?
Kind, funny, intelligent, etc. Physical stuff is great, but secondary, and magnified by the first stuff.

Will you Love Him/Her?
If not, that’s a new level of self-loathing, isn’t it?

Do you really understand what Love is?
I learn a bit more about it every day.

How many pairs of jeans do you have?
3 or 4.

Do you want to get married in a church?
Eh, probably not.

Shower in the morning or night?
I prefer morning.

Is there ever a justified reason to lie?
Again, I don’t deal in absolutes. But it shouldn’t be done lightly.

Favorite Disney movie?
Finding Nemo

Favorite movie?
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Have you already met the love of your life?

Do you think you and your best friend will still be friends in 10 years?
Mary will always be my best friend, I think.

Ever thought you were gay?
Not gay, but definitely interested in both genders.

Are you a good girlfriend/boyfriend?
Exceptionally, minus the neuroses and baggage. But I make up for it in other areas.

Hats or no hats?
My Castro hat is the shit.

Do you fall for people easily?
I experience all emotion intensely, so yes.

Is it hard for you to open up to people?
No, which has been and probably will be problematic.

Do you watch what you eat?
Yes, otherwise I’d spill it all down my boobage.

Is this true "an eye for an eye?"
Yeah, that always works out well.

"All's fair in love and war"?
That statement is just generally fucking retarded

"True love never dies"
Oy, cliché-o-riffic.

If you could change one thing about your physical appearance what would it be?
I’d lose weight.

Mom or dad?
Penguin? What is this question asking, because if it’s to pick a favorite, I’m not THAT dumb.

How long have you known your best friend?
Since 5th grade

What’s your favorite meal of the day?
Depends on what I’m eating.

Do you have any secrets?
Sure, everyone does.

What is your worst fear?Not becoming who I want to be.

Do you play hard to get?
I suck at those dumb games.

Are you hard to get?
Again, stupid games.

Do you like the chase?
To a point anticipation is fun.

Do you use an umbrella?
If I remember to carry one, sure.

Night or day?
Either, depending on amount of sleep I’ve had and what’s going on. Gun to head, probably day.

Republican or Democrat?
Democrat, though I wish my party would grow a pair.

Do you like our president?
I would like him to be impeached and tried for treason, yes.

Do you consider yourself 'nice'?

How do you want to Die?
Old and in my sleep.

What should you be doing right now?

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Reviews and Fall Throughs

So my trip to New York is being postponed. Our tickets to The Daily Show fell through, which was our primary reason for going. We're going to reschedule for another time when we can actually go to that. As much as I was looking forward to a vacation, I just gained back a weekend and 16 hours of vacation (I'm taking tomorrow off, anyway). Plus, it's more money I don't have to spend, which is also nice.

But screw that real life stuff, let's talk pop culture consumption!

Knocked Up

I loved The Forty Year-Old Virgin. It was one of the funniest, best performed movies I've seen in ages. So when I heard Judd Apatow had a new movie coming out starring Seth Rogen (Cal in TFYOV) I was pretty excited. The excellent thing is, the movie didn't at all disappoint! Rogen and Katherine Heigl actually worked great off of each other, and the supporting cast is hilarious. Judd Apatow doesn't necessarily "get" women as well as he does men, but he still does a great job overall. I feel like I had more to say about the movie, and I'm sure I'll think of it, but until my brain is working, that's a quick review. It's awesome, go see it.

Lamest post ever, but I'm too tired to care!