Monday, June 18, 2007

Oh Dear

Hurray! It's time for more letters that won't get read!

Dear Person Who Left a Note on My Car Last Friday,

You left the following message on my car window last Friday, in the parking garage at work:
"Shame on you! For taking up more than one space!!! You have been reported to Parking Service!"

I sincerely apologize for parking slightly to the right of the line. I didn't notice it that morning because I was running late to work, and the person parked next to me was about two inches from the line on his side, so I had to compensate a little to, you know, not hit the fuck out of our cars. But really. This is how pissed you get about someone parking slightly over the line in a parking garage that is not even moderately full at the time? This stirs your moral outrage? This causes you to SHAME ON ME? Wow. You really don't have a lot else to get pissed about, do you? Because if you watched the news or read the paper and saw that people kill other innocent people and kick puppies and cheat poor people, et cetera? You would lose your fucking mind. But really, thank you for pointing out to me what a horrible, immoral person I am. When my illustrious career as a serial killer begins, I will blame you. (And given our justice system sometimes, I'll probably get off!)

Take a Valium, Bitch,

Dear Kristy Swanson,

Buffy, Buffy, Buffy. Did you really need to go all Tonya Harding on your lovechild's dad's ex-wife? In Canada? Well, if you didn't, thanks, because it's still kind of awesome.

See above re: Valium,

Dear Screech,

Fuck off some more. The Celebrity Fit Club people this season seemed nice, but you're a giant doucherag, and I hope someone shits on your head. I'm not talking about you ever again.

So go away,

Dear Humidity,



Dear Wario Ware, Inc,

Jon lent you to me over the weekend, and I have to say, I think you're going to be trouble. Ridiculously short games tend to hold my ADDed attention span just fine. Last night, I spent 25 minutes "five more minutes"-ing you while I should have been falling asleep. Consequently, I tossed and turned for an hour waiting for my brain to shut down. However, I don't think I'm ever giving you back to Jon.

With love,


might be an illusion said...

Hee! Me likey! I read! I want to try that game. Bring it here. Now.

Marc Fishman said...

More on John! Moron John! More Dijon! BTW screech was hilareous awesome on that show. He was a total douche, but he did understand the value of shock, and hence, shall forever be a villain in our mind. Plus, he lives wisconsin.