Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Venting Keeps Head from Exploding

Letters are turning out to be some of my favorite ways to vent/update. Away we go!

Dear Wendy’s,

So, I needed to go get my tire patched at lunch, and I figured I would swing on in to your lovely establishment on the way back to work and grab a bite. Nothing complicated, just a couple of cheeseburgers and a small fry. I was handed my bag quickly and it felt about the right heft, and I was preoccupied with getting back to work and talking to my dad on the phone (I know, I know, don’t cell and drive; don’t you judge me, Wendy’s). So imagine my dismay when I got back to my desk at work and found not the food I ordered but two boxes of chicken nuggets.

Now, I hear your chicken nuggets are lovely. But I don’t like chicken nuggets. Not even with the ranch sauce you so thoughtfully provided. Which is why I ordered cheeseburgers. Which is why I drove back to Wendy’s to obtain said cheeseburgers. I’m sorry I disappointed and inconvenienced you by returning for my food; perhaps I should have just taken what I was given and been grateful. But I did pay $3.21 for my lunch, and I wanted what I wanted. And you cost me 30 minutes of my life I can’t get back, and some gas. Uncool.

I’m calling later to demand free shit, FYI.

Get an IQ,

Dear pResident Bush,

Wow, we have a lot to talk about today, don’t we?

First of all, why did you show up in my dreams last night? Second of all, please don’t ever do that again. I dreamed that you were driving me to my car in a ridiculously large Walmart parking lot, and we were even having a fairly genial chat. I informed you that I was a bleeding heart liberal, and you didn’t throw me under the wheels of your SUV, which was nice of you. But please, my psyche is fragile enough without someone I generally don’t care for or respect who is not a serial killer showing up in my dreams. So you stay out of mine and I’ll stay out of yours, okay?

My next bone is to just let you know that vetoing the stem cell legislation is a shitty thing to do. I watched my grandmother die of ALS, sir, otherwise known as Lou Gehrig’s Disease. In case you aren’t familiar with it, it’s fucking evil. Basically, it shuts people down from bottom to top, encasing a sharp mind in a body that eventually can’t even swallow. Stem cell research is one of the few tools in the arsenal that stands a real chance of fighting ALS. And it’s not the only one: Multiple Sclerosis, Parkinson’s Disease, cancer, there are so many applications it’s mind boggling. The embryos being used for this research are not gathered specifically for this purpose; they are the leftovers from in vitro fertilization, generally speaking. If they’re not used for stem cell research, they are literally thrown in the trash. Now, I ask you, sir, which seems to be more respectful of the potential of life: allowing that potential to be realized in some fashion, or tossing it with your empty Diet Coke? Furthermore, I have to wonder if you have never seen someone that you love dearly suffering from a disease that stem cell research might benefit. Even if you haven’t, I guarantee, someone else that you love has. Your moral opposition to this makes zero sense to me.

And finally, regarding your remarks last night at the Congressional Picnic:

THE PRESIDENT: Beats Workin, thanks for coming. (Applause.) Kermit, come up here. Kermit, we're proud to have you.
MR. RUFFINS: Well, thanks for having us.
THE PRESIDENT: Kermit Ruffins and the Barbeque Swingers, right out of New Orleans, Louisiana. (Applause.)
MR. RUFFINS: Thank you. Thanks for having us. We're glad to be here.
THE PRESIDENT: Proud you're here. Thanks for coming. You all enjoy yourself. Make sure you pick up all the trash after it's over. (Laughter.)
God bless you, and may God bless America. Thanks for coming. (Applause.)
…what? Seriously, what the hell? Is there any way that what you said is not racist, disgusting, ignorant, stupid? Because if there is, please show me, as I am genuinely confused by it. Come on, you’re the most visible representative for our entire country. Use your brain cells. Or at least let your speechwriters tell you what to do.

I understand you’re busy driving the country to hell in a handcart, I was just wanting to mention these things.

God Bless America, I didn’t Vote for You,


the queen said...

Thank you for venting. I hate P. Bush too, especially today, what with the stem cells. My Mom has gypsy cursed Jenna and Barbara Bush with MS, thought I would be okay if one of them got ALS instead.

Anonymous said...

Dear Customer,

We at Wendy's take pride in our inability to provide for you what you want. Just because you want cheeseburgers does not in fact insure that you'll get them. It turns out we had a flux of nuggets we needed to expel. As it turned out, we even provided you with ranch sauce as we knew you would appreciate the thought. By not checking our work and driving away, well, you simply prove to us you did not do as you were supposed to. We all came from troubled homes, and public schools. Be grateful if we even dispensed your change properly.

The Wendy's Drive Thru Staff.

might be an illusion said...

I love your letters...