Commercials that make me love my DVR

There are certain commercials that, when I see them, I hit my fast forward button immediately, because if I didn't, I'd break my TV. Here are a few examples:
The Glade commercials. Excuse me, the Glah-Day commercials. I know what! My house smells nice and I've been complemented! But oh, no! I bought my candle/air spray at the grocery store, and I'm afraid my friends will think I'm not a big enough asshole if I didn't pay a lot of money for it so I'll lie, only to be busted by obvious product placement, which we'll all laugh about. So we're all big enough assholes! Shut up, stupid Glade commercial.

Male Enhancement ads. I watch Cheaters sometimes because it makes me laugh. And there's a commercial for wiener-growing pills. And this pretty lady reads her lines vacuously and talks about the "size of a certain part of the male body." Because you can't really love a guy with a small dick.

The Sham-wow commercials, or any commercial involving Billy Mays. Hey, Billy. Switch to decaf, and stop yelling. And Sham-wow guy? I know your soul is dying because you're shilling a shop-towel on basic cable, but you're creeping me out. Also, you look douche-tastic. However, I grudgingly admit that the towels seem kind of nifty.

to invent:

A yogurt carton that does not spit on me when opening it. Humph!

Hypocrisy

Listen, it's not that I think the whole country should get their panties in a big wad because Governor and VP-nominee Sarah Pailin's daughter is pregnant. They shouldn't. But what I am finding very hard to stomach is the Republican party thinking that it has the right to call the subject entirely off-limits. If Governor Pailin was a Democrat, and was Obama's nominee, you bet your sweet-ass that at the very least Faux News would be having talking-heads blabbering on about family fucking values. Let's call a spade a spade here: according to Republicans, if a liberal family's kid gets knocked up, it's because there are no family values being taught and the parents aren't participating and kids are pretty much handed a condom at puberty's onset and left to their own devices. But if a conservative family's kid turns up pregnant, we're supposed to admire how courageous the mother is to be public with it and how awesome for family values that the daughter is going to keep the child and marry the father when they're both clearly not even responsible enough to practically work a rubber? Why is that okay? I applaud Obama and the Democrats for not taking the easy punches here, but I really do have to wonder why people aren't making mention of the fact that if the shoe were on the other foot, Republicans would be roasting that kid and her fetus on a spit.

Teh Sad

My friend Sara had to put her dog Buddah to sleep this morning. He was going into heart failure, and couldn't breathe much anymore. His picture's right below. Ain't he a little cutie pie?

There are very few things I find sadder than losing pets. I know losing people is awful, too, but there's something indescribably different about being the one who decides that it's time to give someone you love something that will put them out of pain and put you in a tremendous amount of pain. It's a pretty awesome responsibility.

I told Sara that I believe God gave us pets so that He could show us how much He loves us. I hope that's true. I used to be so sure about there being a God, but these days I just don't know. But I hope there is one, and I hope I'm right, and I hope Buddah's chilling and getting treats in a big park in the sky.

open letter to english speakers

Dear English speaker,

Please take note: the word "important" has TWO t's. It is pronounced "imporTanT." it is not "impor-ant" or even "impor-an'". I implore you: please say the damn word correctly. It is not hard to to say. The ts do not necessarily have to be hard, but please, do not say the word with a long "an" at the end. It's super irritating.

This letter brought to you by a morning viewing of Project Runway.

ImporTanTly,
Angie

BLEH

Today may be the most disgusting day in the history of the universe.

1. This morning, my coworker, Holly, talked about a time she got a sunburn and went to the gym two days later and exercised so hard she had sweat bubbles UNDER HER SKIN.
2. Then someone threw up in the trashcans outside of our office.
3. Finally, our environmentally conscious study abroad coordinator was eating her organic local broccolli today and found THREE grubs/larval creatures in it. One LOOKED LIKE BROCCOLI.

I need to go home.

a cheer

Rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat!
69 linemen tied in a knot!
Hurray, lizard shit, FUCK!

Hey, George, here's hoping God recites the seven words with you. Happy trails, and may Buddy Christ greet you at the gates.

Also, universe? Maybe enough with the taking of awesome people who should have had more time. Between Ledger, Carlin and Russert, you should be occupied for a while.

feelin' hot, hot, hot

It is currently 80 degrees in my apartment. My window air conditioner is not working. In an attempt to thwart this problem and not have to go spend the night away from my pets, I have come up with the following ghetto ways to stay cool:

I bought four packs of sliced watermelons and a bag of grapes at the grocery store. Nature's air conditioner!

I basically chugged 44 ounces of Icee. Gas station's air conditioner!

I bought a bag of ice, which I keep emptying portions of into a bowl and placing in front of my fan. Ghetto air conditioner!

I'm watching Knocked Up, which is hilarious.

Lemonade out of lemons I guess. Other apartments in my complex are flooded, so I guess I can't complain. Oh wait, it's 80 degrees in my apartment! I still can.

CAR-rap...

Or: "The Saga of My Car Trying to Make Me Lose My Goddamn Mind." (And, apparently, sapping my desire to blog.)

Ok, so I mentioned last time that my car was having transmission issues, right? Which sucked ass. So I found out eventually that getting the transmission rebuilt would be the cheapest option, at the bargain price of $1300. Bah. So through a divine intervention (read: startlingly large loan from someone who was very kind, and who had no reason to help me, thank you, good Karma I've managed to amass!) I was able to get that done. The car place that rebuilt the transmission does very good work, but they're also quite slow. So it took ten days from the time they got my car to have it ready for me, which was already two and a half weeks after it already died. Bumming rides is actually terribly degrading after a while, or at least very frustrating.

So, last Thursday, they finally called and said it was all done and I could come get my car, and so I did, with much triumph. And Friday, I triumphantly drove my car into work, where it triumphantly began spewing white smoke and the temperature guage shot up to high. My direct quote? "Oh, you mother fucker." (Pardon my French.) An hour and a half later, I drove my "cooled off" car down to the car place, where it proceeded to overheat again, and then froze up and would not start. BLEH. The nice car guys picked me up and drove me home, where they told me that my radiator had a hole in it, that likely was started back when I rear-ended that dude on the shitty birthday of doom. So much for having my car for that weekend.

But Monday evening, they called again. You're all set, come get your car, that'll be a hundred bucks. Tuesday morning? Car wouldn't start. Lovely car place? Jumped it, and after letting it charge/warm up for a few minutes, I drove myself to school, where the battery proceeded to die again. I called my dad, cussing a blue streak, and ready to Thelma and Louise my freaking car off the nearest available cliff, and was informed that it would most likely be an alternator. GAH. So at that point, I had the car towed to the other garage I use. The good news? The car was fixed in six hours. The bad news? $300.

Mind you, I paid $3000 for the car, which I do love. But if anything else breaks on it? I'm giving that bitch the Mythbusters treatment.

And the icing on the crap cake? I've been driving with a suspended license (I know, I suck) for an unpaid (so they say) ticket for... well, way too long. So no license, expired plates, every time I saw a cop car, I'd basically say a Hail Mary and hope for the best. This morning, a mile and a half from school? Pulled over by a cop. I was practically crying before he could even get to the car. But the cop was actually really nice, gave me the cheapest ticket he was allowed to do, just for the expired plates, and totally gave me the giant kick in the ass to get to the BMV and get stuff straightened out. So at the other end of the story, I emerge triumphant, with a running car with valid plates and a valid license, and all's well that ends well. Expensively, but well.

But I'm going to a b&b tomorrow with Jon, so that makes up for most of it. Well, if not, I'll at least forget it for a few hours!

Blah

I would so rather be writing a frivolous, fun post, but three circumstances currently prevent me from doing so:

1. My grandma died fairly suddenly on Sunday. She was my last grandparent, and it's definitely sad. I'm glad she went the way she did, though. Heart failure was mercifully quick and pretty painless. I'm hoping my grandpa had something to do with that.
2. My frickin' car is super sick. Libby needs a new transmission, meanwhile, I need a stack of cash to afford it.
3. Heath Ledger died this week, too! So sad! I just watched 10 Things I Hate About You this weekend. What a waste.

Bad things come in threes, right? So I'm done with the bad crap.But next week, I will be funny again, oh yes, I will.

My Car is Poltergeist

So my car is wonderful and I love her, but she is getting more and more weird and ghetto. Over the summer, it started to be that if I tried to roll the passenger window down with the door unlocked, the door would actually pop open. If I lock it, I'm safe, but then it only rolls halfway down, which is great in July when you don't have air conditioning. My cruise control only works about half the time. My windshield wiper tank is busted, meaning that I squeegee my windows at gas stations a lot, particularly this time of year because I can't see squat with all the snow and salt junk on my windows.

But the car's newest oddity is by far it's most irritating. The radio is possessed.

It started last week. I was driving home from work and decided to flip from NPR to a music station. Then my radio turned back to NPR. Spontaneously. It did this like 4 times. Then it stopped letting me change stations altogether. I can change channels intermittently, usually near the beginning of getting into my car, but it sometimes still changes on it's own. And better yet, it changes two of the pre-set buttons to whichever channel it's currently on. So NPR is now programmed into two buttons instead of just one.

Someone needs to find me that short lady and Craig T. Nelson, STAT.

DVR and CBS-enemies?

Dear CBS:

I don't know what was wrong with your network timing AGAIN this week, but this is the second time in four weeks that I've DVRd The Amazing Race only to have it not start at the appropriate time. I missed the last half of the episode, you douchewads! Get with the program!

HATE you,
Angie

Hate. Hate. Hate. Intensely.

I'm sure you've heard of those horrible people who protest soldiers' funerals with their "God hates fags" signs, and they've sunk to an all new level of absolutely repulsive. DO NOT click this unless you're prepared to be furious and lose a shred more faith in all humanity.

The thing that blows my mind about these awful people is how they take the life of a person that they supposedly believe in who was all about love and acceptance, and turn it into a hateful, disgusting pile of shit. They claim that God hates the entire world. Does this exclude them? Are we supposed to believe that God threw Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Evil out of petty anger? The being you supposedly believe in who endowed you with a soul and free will is actually a petty kid with a magnifying glass, burning up ants just so he can feel powerful over something? I don't get how these people try to justify worship to a God who clearly has contempt for the entire creation he made, and who finds his people irredeemable.

These people make me so deeply sad and angry.

Uplifting post in just a bit! I'm not dwelling on this disgusting crap for long.

Sometimes the universe seems genuinely screwed up. My friend and co-worker had a friend die last weekend. He was 24, and it was three days before his body was found. That just sucks.

You know what sucks?

Headaches