First, an open letter/rant.
Dear People Who Use Their Cell Phones in Public Restrooms,
What in the HELL is wrong with you? We call it a restroom, but we are not resting! Most of us are actually GOING TO THE BATHROOM. That involves noises that are unsavory, not to mention the 1,000 decibel sound of the toilet actually flushing. You come into the bathroom, yammering away, and then you go into a stall and are taking care of business. The yammering should have stopped! I guaran-frickin-tee you, you are not talking to anyone that is so important that you cannot say, "Hey, I have to use the bathroom, I'll call you right back."
Even if it doesn't bother you, it bothers your fellow restroom users! I have gone to the bathroom for a reason, and sometimes that reason involves Very Bad Sounds. I'm sure you and your boyfriend have a wonderful, solid relationship, but none of us have met, and I don't want him to hear me going to the bathroom, or have you tell him "Damn, it stinks in here." It's a bathroom! Sometimes they stink! They're not phone booths! Call. People. Back.
Two stalls over, eavesdropping and judging.
I had the most messed up dream ever last night. I don't remember all of it, but part of it involved being in Manhattan, and part of it involved a slammin' hotel. Also, Donald Trump was there, and Mommy Hilton, whatever her name is, and in my dream they were married, and also relatively pleasant. At some point I went off on someone at a beauty counter, because she was threatening to try and withhold my inheritance. I think she was Darryll Hannah, and I know I threw cosmetics at her. Also, I was watching Alex, this kid that I baby sit, and that was weird, too, because why would I take him to New York? And at one point we were getting food and I got him a cheeseburger or something, and there was 40 Year-Old Virgin themed hot dog stand, which was weird, because the names were all really sexual. And I ended up getting a cheeseburger there as well, which I also didn’t understand. Weirdest of all is that there was a guy who was doing something lewd that involved having his junk out, and he was going to get caught, so he stuck it in a bun, and it was the size of a log, and passed it off as a hot dog. And he took a bite of it so he wouldn’t get in trouble! I’m not even going to try and analyze that dream, because it is the most fucked-up thing my brain has ever thrown up.