Dear New Office Printer,
I. Love. You. You are so awesome you make up for the fact that I was not allowed to kill the old printer a la Office Space. You are bigger, more beautiful, and, most importantly, you do not get jammed every frickin' two minutes. The hugs I have given you this week are not out of sarcasm, but straight up adoration.
Dear Old Office Printer,
Rot in hell, you piece of crap bitch. Actually, you probably used to be nice, but you really drove me nuts in the meantime. Hope you're recycled into a toaster.
Dear American Idol Contestants,
Melinda and Jordin--you two are the best! You're so damn cute, the two of you together may end up saving humanity at large. If either of you are voted off before top 5, I may set the building on fire.
Haley--Who are you? You show up every week and I never remember you. But last night you shook your knockers and now I do. And I'm a girl, and don't feel that should have been my focus, but I can't remember your vocals, so there you go.
Lakisha--You're good and all, but next to the lovefest I have for Melinda and Jordin, there's no chance for you to be my heart's Idol. You really are great, though!
Chris R--I like you, but I don't get you. Mostly I call you "Not Blake." Whatever.
Chris S--I really liked you at first, but you're starting to bother me. Sound less like Meatloaf and maybe we'll talk.
Gina--They tell you to get in the box, and the Simon yells at you for being in the box. That's some bullshit. You're not going to win, but I love you, so keep being great and hang in there!
Blake--You're like everything cool about N'Sync (DON'T JUDGE ME) rolled into one. Charm and love from girls whom you have no interest in will get you quite far, which is good, because you amuse me.
Stephanie--Come on, girl, you're falling into that Haley category of, "Who?" And you're better than that. If you live through tonight, step it up.
Phil--If only you were less "Buffalo Bill" I might really be able to cheer you on. Congrats on the kid, though.
Sanjaya--Sweetie, go home. You're probably supersweet and cute, but you're barely weaned, and you bug the bejeezus out of me. Also, what the hell with the t-shirt and the thumbs in the holes and what not? Oh, and your hair disturbs me and I believe it is probably some sort of demonic lure.
Randy--Sweet god in heaven, must every critique you utter begin with "Yo, yo, yo, listen up, dawg, my dawgie dog---" You're not in high school. You're not cool because of that. You are, however, a talented musician and producer. FOCUS.
Paula--Whatever rehab you are in, I think it's working. Your crying last week was awesome.
Simon--I love that there are good people for you to be all awesome about, and bad people that you can be all awesome about, and that your mission for the season seems to be to out Ryan Seacrest. Please, please, say mean things to me and then let me make out with you. (Sorry, I may have said too much there.)
Ryan--Damned if I don't love you, you tanned, frightening little thing.
Crying kid from last night--I hope your parents didn't tape that so you won't be subjected to it in 5-10 years.
Love, your bitch,
I need you to help around the house more. The apartment's a mess, and so far, nada. Seriously, you can't freeload forever.