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My life has become a frigging comedy of errors that is not funny. This is not a PG-13 entry, if you don't like bad language, bye-bye, please.

Today is my 25th birthday. Hooray. Here is what I am doing to celebrate so far:

• I rear-ended a dude on the way to work. He didn't want to call anyone or exchange insurance, which I guess is my birthday present considering I can barely afford my insurance as it is. I must have hit my chest on the wheel or something, though, because it hurts.
• I spent three hours at school last night getting myself to the point where I felt I only had another two hours of paper left to write. Somehow, I did something that caused the paper not to be saved fucking anywhere. So every word I wrote last night is fucking gone. Just gone. This is for a class I have an incomplete in, that is frankly so far overdue as to be fucking ridiculous. I now get to spend tonight and tomorrow getting this goddamn thing done, which is great, considering I hate it so much now I can't stand to look at it.
• My parents are going to court today to decide whether my mother should get spousal support. I have a feeling it is going to be very bad.

I am so overwhelmingly unhappy at the moment I can't even try to be cute.

The Happity-Hap

Bonus if someone actually comments with the reference in my title.

So! I took my math final. Math be damned! I'm done! Praise Jeebus.
I'm writing my final paper TOMORROW. It's going to be done and out of my way by Monday. No ifs ands or asses about it. Huzzah!
Which means by Monday, as far as things I need to do, I will officially be a college graduate! About mother freakin' time. These delays brought to you by our sponsors at Fucked up Parents, ADHD, Procrastination and Viewers Like You. (It's possible I'm listening to too much NPR.)

Sunday, I'm going ice skating! Yes, it'll be 80 degrees. There are skating rinks indoors! It's gonna be good times.

Monday, my parents go to court! I want to know as little about that as humanly possible.
After that, it's get the apartment in order, work more on getting my organizational shit under control, try to convince myself to start exercising, and enjoy my summer! Things to look forward to:

• Next week: Chicago with Liss, and maybe Leila, to see Wicked and for me to see John Edward
• First Week of June: New York! To see a Daily Show taping, maybe a Colbert Report taping, and maybe a Conan taping. I'm going with Leila and our buddy Jesus. His real name is Adam. Leila named him Jesus. I don't know why, except he used to have long hair. Anyway, if you hear about girls getting arrested in New York for humping Jon Stewart's leg, you should maybe send bail money.
• Maybe in September going out to Colorado to visit my friend Kitty.

Good times coming up! Not to mention a cornucopia of pop-culture to enjoy.

Speaking of which, and I am remiss for just now mentioning it, Ta-ta Sanjaya! You're much cuter when I don't have to hear you!

You know what sucks?

Having the stomach flu during your finals week when you need to be cramming for math and writing a paper. Suck it, life. Suck it long, suck it hard.

Regarding Virginia Tech

Went to a ceremony at school today for the people that died at Virginia Tech. Thought this was appropriate.

Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.
O, Divine Master,grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The News in Idol

Ah, Idol. Every week you give me new reasons to love and hate you. Some notes:

• Phil sounded not bad last night! He still looked like a cadaver, but he actually sang pretty well, which was a nice change. I don't dislike him so much as I... nothing him.
• Lakisha was really not great last night. I'm not as big a fan of hers as I am of Melinda, but she just didn't really hit it with "Jesus, Take the Wheel" last night, which is odd, because I pegged that as a homer for her. She should have gone with some Reba or Patsy Cline.
• Sanjaya... okay, first of all, is Bonnie Raitt even legitimately country? Because I don't usually hear that song on country stations. But we'll leave that aside. The dude's voice is just not strong enough. He's talent show at best, and he's not even the guy who would win the talent show, he's the guy who'd have a whole bunch of friends show up and then act all whiny and obnoxious when he lost to the Blake or the Melinda. He's going to live through tonight almost undoubtedly, and that makes me sad.
• Jordin is awesome and I am in love with her. Let me make that clear. But I'm not entirely sure what the lather was about last night. I really, really liked her, but she had a couple of clunker notes in there that I guess I didn't get passed. And she wasn't in the bottom three last week, so it's not like they were working on saving her. But whatever, because I love her and want to take her to Starbucks and so everyone should talk nice about her.
• Melinda was awesome. Melinda is always awesome. She sounded absolutely terrific, and though I was kind of harshed by Simon's "Stop acting surprised" bit, (although, how cute was he saying "Dude, I know.") the closeups on her reactions, the grin, the glow... she's frickin' awesome. LOVE.
• Chris Richardson is dead to me now. It wasn't the singing, because I actually liked it. Rascal Flatts tends to sound a bit nasally sometimes, so I got where he was coming from there. It also wasn't him getting snitty with Simon, although, dude? Don't you know he's the only one on the judge panel who knows jack? No, it was him getting snitty with his "nasal is a singing style" (granted, but there are few people who make it work) and THEN having the nerve to bring up the Virginia Tech tragedy. It would have been an entirely different thing if he had said something about appreciating Simon's critique, but he wanted to take the opportunity to send his love and prayers to the school. But he was a douchebag to Simon, he must have known it, and he either had already planned on saying something and decided to do it without really noticing it was no longer appropriate, or, and this is my problem, he knew he was a douchebag and thought he could pull that out of pocket to make up for his ass-hattery. Seriously, I don't care if the guy goes up and sings "Dick in a Box" next week, I'm done with him. People losing their sons, daughters, siblings, etc. cannot be compared in the same breath to Simon being mean to you.

The Fuzzy Mafia

I don't believe I've mentioned yet that I'm involved in Organized Crime. It's only by proxy, really. See, my home is the home of The Fuzzy Mafia.

The Don of this Mafia is one Vito Catalone:

Vito recruited me almost two years ago. An office co-worker's sister's cat had kittens. I looked at the adorable little furballs on the screen, and my eyes locked with Vito's. "That's my cat," I told my co-worker, Chris. "And I'm naming him Vito." And that was exactly what happened.

Vito has a penchant for feather toys. He jumps alarmingly high to get to them, and will chase them until he pants like a dog, at which point I worry and make him stop. He also enjoys taking money he finds around the apartment in his mouth and hiding it, and knocking my pill bottles to the ground and hiding them, I believe so he can sneak out portions to distribute to the kitty community. He does know how to enjoy the finer things in life, however, and has been known to stop and smell the roses:

As does Frankie, formally known as Francesca Linguine, his adopted sister and partner in crime:

Frankie is the most recent addition to the Mafia. She was abandoned at a local vet's office, and posters advertising her sweetness touched my friend Jen. On a lunch hour, we went over to visit her. I asked, "Well, kitty, do you want to go home with me?" Her response was to flop over on the table, issuing a "Rub my belly" command. I was taken, and so was she, and she integrated quickly into the family. Don't let her clawlessness fool you, this girl can be ruthless, as indicated by the spat she gets into with Vito, and her threatening conversations with the birds outside.

Of course, every mafia must have its thug, and ours is Shadow:

Shadow lived a completely innocent life before these two cats. He was a bribe from my mother seven years ago for me not going on a vacation. Good trade, as it turned out, since he's been my best friend ever since, if you'll forgive the cliche.

It was only the introduction of Vito, and then Frankie, that gave Shadow his loveable hitman-lunk status. Before that, he was content to play with his toys, beg for people food, and chase his tail on occasion, much to my rapturous delight. Now, he... well, he still likes all those things, but if the cats order a hit, he's on that, too.

So that's my life of crime, via the pets. It's a hard life, particularly after one of the cats take a stinky poo, but family's family, huh?

Various and Sundry

First, an open letter/rant.

Dear People Who Use Their Cell Phones in Public Restrooms,

What in the HELL is wrong with you? We call it a restroom, but we are not resting! Most of us are actually GOING TO THE BATHROOM. That involves noises that are unsavory, not to mention the 1,000 decibel sound of the toilet actually flushing. You come into the bathroom, yammering away, and then you go into a stall and are taking care of business. The yammering should have stopped! I guaran-frickin-tee you, you are not talking to anyone that is so important that you cannot say, "Hey, I have to use the bathroom, I'll call you right back."

Even if it doesn't bother you, it bothers your fellow restroom users! I have gone to the bathroom for a reason, and sometimes that reason involves Very Bad Sounds. I'm sure you and your boyfriend have a wonderful, solid relationship, but none of us have met, and I don't want him to hear me going to the bathroom, or have you tell him "Damn, it stinks in here." It's a bathroom! Sometimes they stink! They're not phone booths! Call. People. Back.

Sincerely,
Two stalls over, eavesdropping and judging.

I had the most messed up dream ever last night. I don't remember all of it, but part of it involved being in Manhattan, and part of it involved a slammin' hotel. Also, Donald Trump was there, and Mommy Hilton, whatever her name is, and in my dream they were married, and also relatively pleasant. At some point I went off on someone at a beauty counter, because she was threatening to try and withhold my inheritance. I think she was Darryll Hannah, and I know I threw cosmetics at her. Also, I was watching Alex, this kid that I baby sit, and that was weird, too, because why would I take him to New York? And at one point we were getting food and I got him a cheeseburger or something, and there was 40 Year-Old Virgin themed hot dog stand, which was weird, because the names were all really sexual. And I ended up getting a cheeseburger there as well, which I also didn’t understand. Weirdest of all is that there was a guy who was doing something lewd that involved having his junk out, and he was going to get caught, so he stuck it in a bun, and it was the size of a log, and passed it off as a hot dog. And he took a bite of it so he wouldn’t get in trouble! I’m not even going to try and analyze that dream, because it is the most fucked-up thing my brain has ever thrown up.

Everybody likes Boobies

So over the weekend, I read a really awesome book I picked up at the library. It’s called Stacked, and it’s all about breasts from an anthropological and cultural perspective. It’s really excellent, because it discusses how breasts might have evolved, how the bra has evolved, and what women and men think of them. The most interesting chapter might have been the last one, where the author discussed some transgender perspective on breasts and how they make someone feminine even more so than the possession of a vagina. It was quite interesting stuff, really! If you like non-fiction, definitely pick it up.

HILARIOUS

People! The following is glorious!

GO SEE.

Couple of Letters, a little review for good measure

Dear Weather,

You know, I know I complained that we went straight from winter to summer, but I was not, in fact, requesting we slip back to winter. The Easter Bunny's going to freeze his little cottontail straight off.

Ptthhthbbbbbt.
Angie

Dear America,

Gina goes and Sanjaya stays? Well, this is the country that elected W twice.

Ptttttthbbbbbt.
Angie

Dear Crystal Light Iced Tea Water Thingies,

You are way yummier than I had anticipated you being. I'm really happy about that. Now, help me get rid of my fat ass.

Baby steps, right?
Angie

Blades of Glory Review

Went and saw this last Saturday with as passel of friends, and let me just say, this is a good movie to see with a passel of friends!

Given my superlative reviews as of late, this review may end up coming off as me not liking the movie. That's not it at all. It was very good. But it was dumb, and it was supposed to be dumb, so I can't really talk about the depth of John Heder's or Will Ferrell's "performances." They were both very funny, Heder endearingly so, Ferrell in the way he usually is. Jenna Fischer was delightful in her role as sister to the Evil Duo, played by Will Arnett and Amy Poehler. Frankly, I think they and Craig T. Nelson as the skating duo's coach were my favorite part. To be a villain in this kind of movie really means you get to munch the nearby scenery, and they took full advantage of it.

Honestly, it was a fun movie. It would have been more fun if Heder or Ferrell had actually been able to skate a bit more, but it was still good times, and I'm glad I saw it. Bottom line, catch it in a matinee, get a bag of popcorn, turn your brain off, and kill a couple of good hours on a Saturday. And bring your friends.